I have been working in the Educational field for 30 plus years. It has been my passion and a love for all of those years. My experience has been quite varied, and it gave me a good perspective on issues that would come up in the classroom and at home. Believe me, it is far easier as a teacher than a parent to provide on-the-spot ideas that can be implemented in tough situations. I hope that this monthly blog can give you some simple, easy techniques that give you peace of mind and help you in to raise happy, responsible, and respectful children.
A few weeks ago, I ran into a former parent of mine whose son is now a senior in high school. After our excited greetings in seeing each other, he laughed and said that his son had not made good choices at school the week before. When his son had finished providing his father with the behaviors that put him in “hot water” at school, his Dad looked him squarely in the eye and said, “What would Ms. Marinos say?” Apparently, that was enough for his son to reconsider his actions and come up with a new, more positive plan of attack! Thus, the reason I decided to start this blog. If anything can help make a child re-think and create new plans for positive behaviors, I am all for it!
This month’s topic: How do I get my child to be more respectful?
“Freeze Frame”
This is a question that I get very frequently – “How do I get my child to be more respectful. A lack of respect by children tends to carry over into their relationships as adults. How do you get children (people) to be more respectful? Quite simply, don’t do anything for them until they are!
Far easier said than done, as I know only too well. I think as parents or caregivers, we tend to get ourselves into a difficult rut by accepting from others an attitude that is less than our idea of respect. Parental guilt is a very powerful tool and our children are amazing at using that tool quite early in life. So often we accept behaviors over and over until we finally cannot take it anymore, lashing out in disbelief that after all the things that we have done for our children, they do not show us respect! This lashing out creates that guilt in us, and we are in a cycle that seems to have no end. This month’s technique is one that I have used on many different occasions and on different aged children.
Technique for retraining respectful behaviors early on in children (and later on as well):
Whenever you are asked to do something and your child has not used a “please” or “thank you” or has that not-so-pleasant attitude attached to their request, simply freeze your body and do nothing! This tends to create some confusion in the child, making them repeat the request without the proper manners. If it is in the beginning stages of using the technique, merely say “I do things for people when I hear respectful words.” Sometimes the request will then be followed by an oh-so-attitude-filled “pleeeeease”! Again, freeze and say, “I do things for people who are truly using respectful manners.” This can go on until you feel that the way they are making the request is acceptable to you. As time goes on and the child becomes familiar with this technique, the freezing makes them realize that their attitude is not acceptable or that they have not asked in a proper way.
This technique is never presented with sarcasm, always done in a calm way and preceded and followed by loving smiles and reactions. It should also never be accompanied by lengthy conversations about respect and how much we do for them. What you want to incite in the child is the taking of responsibility for the behavior and finding a way to change it his or herself. After a while, it becomes something that the child laughs about with you.
Have fun and please let me know how it works for you. Thanks for reading. Next month we will discuss “How to get a child to listen the first time”.
And that’s what Ms. Marinos says…
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