I always wondered about the saying, “You get more flies with honey!” was all about. Why on earth would I want to attract more flies! I guess that comes with some quips from the past, they have a lot of power but are a wee bit awkward in their delivery.
In parenting, and in life in general, this particular quip is truly powerful. When we approach discipline with kindness rather than a sense of power, the effects are truly amazing. I found this out first hand when I was trying to make some progress with my son.
Some years ago, my son was giving me a run for my money in the parenting department. He was making some choices, displaying great rebellion and testing every bit of patience that I had. I was being told that I was too soft, needing to get a heavier hand in my discipline, so I tried to give that approach my best shot. As you can imagine, things got worse. What was I thinking! Being “tough” only escalated the arguing, anger and gave him so much more fuel to blame me for his choices, plus it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Drum roll please, that is when I discovered Love and Logic! In my desperation to find a way to balance holding him accountable for his actions while still preserving my sanity and feeling of self worth, I went to a day long conference here in Phoenix. It truly changed my life! I had a way to approach my son with kindness but still hold him fully accountable for his actions. I stuck to it, practiced my delivery, and knew I had found a winner when in the heat of one of my son’s discussions he yelled, “What is wrong with you??? I can’t make you mad anymore!”
Powerful, satisfying words! I wish I could say that my new interactions made him make better life choices, but it made me realize that we cannot control what others do, we can only control our reaction to it. I was able to preserve my love for my son by giving him boundaries in a loving way. That’s it, the whole premise of the Love and Logic approach to parenting – lead with love, create boundaries and give the problem back to the child to solve.
This months focus is on empathy. It is truly the secret to allowing the choice or the behavior be the bad guy! When we provide a dose of empathy before, during and after any situation, it is impossible for blame to be placed anywhere but on the behavior! Empathy is not always easy to come up with in the heat of the moment, as I fully can relate to, but providing yourself with a breath before speaking, sticky notes as reminders of your empathetic statement, and repetition and practice make it easier and easier to be a part of everyday life. The most important part to remember is that we are all human and will sometimes blow instead of leading with Love and that is OK! Giving yourself this gift of using empathy really does follow that quip, “You attract more flies with honey.” It also makes holding your child accountable a whole lot easier because that feeling of guilt we get when we have lost our cool is eliminated and all that remains is the behavior or choice for them to deal with.
And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!
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