This past month I have come across several parents who wonder (and worry) about whether or not holding their child accountable would be mean. It made me remember a time a few years back.

I had a wonderful young man in my pre-school class who had a habit of forgetting his shoes when he came to school. Apparently, on several occasions, his mother had driven back home to retrieve them before they made it to the classroom. One morning she did not notice that his shoes were missing until they hit the school parking lot. When they got to class, she told me about the forgotten item and said that she was running back home to get them. We laughed a bit and I told her that I would allow her to go back this one time but if it happened again, I would not. She made it back with the shoes before playground time so all worked out for my young friend.

A few days later, my forgetful student once again came to school without his shoes and Mom had not noticed until he got out of the car in the parking lot. Mom remembered what I had said and brought him to the classroom but begged me to let her go back home to retrieve them. You see, that day was our annual Open House where current parents brought prospective ones on a tour in hopes that they would be impressed enough to enroll their child. As it turned out, my shoe less friend’s Mom was one of the Guides that day. After a few minutes of discussion on her part, she realized that I was sticking to my decision not to allow the shoes to be retrieved.

Our school was set up as an open-air campus in that all the classrooms, lunch room, gym and playground had to be reached by going outside and walking to the assigned areas. This is a difficult task with no shoes. Unfortunately, as a result, my sock wearing friend had quite a boring day. No P.E., no playground time, no music and he could not get his own lunch so was stuck eating what I chose from the lunch line for him. As luck would have it, his Mother was assigned to bring tour groups to our classroom. She explained that this was her child’s classroom and teacher, giving the parents a quick low down on the shoe issue and how truly happy she was that I was his teacher.

All the time that “Mr. no sneakers” was with me, I was very empathetic to his plight. When it came time to walk to Music class I said, “Shoot, I am so sorry that you can’t go.” And gave him a hug. The day was filled with times like that, as well as me asking him how he was feeling and what he thought he could do about it. After our discussion, he decided that he had a great spot near his garage door at home where he could put his shoes every day. I told him what a great idea that was and that I was very excited to find out how that worked for him. I ran into my friend’s Mom a few months ago. She told me that he was now a freshman in High School and that he still puts his shoes in the same chosen spot to this day. (On a side note, all of the touring families that came to see the classroom that day signed their children up for the following year.)

Was I being “mean” by sticking with this consequence of not allowing him to participate in his school activities because he was missing footwear? Some may think yes, but he did not. Not one time did he feel like I was angrily enforcing the rule – quite the opposite. The joy of Love and Logic is that consequences are always preceded and continued with a huge dose of love and empathy, letting the child know that they are not the “bad guy”. What needs to be addressed is the action.

The younger a child is, the smaller the consequence they will incur. Older children have bigger stakes that may provide them with harsher, more permanent ones. Isn’t it better for us to give the gift of learning to solve their own problems by holding them accountable for the actions they choose? I do not feel that giving a child a natural consequence for actions that they control is “mean”. Quite the opposite really, giving them this opportunity to learn is truly a gift of love.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos