Hello Amazing Parents,

Does anyone remember that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray? If you don’t, it basically is about a man who has some definite character flaws to work out and is forced to relive the same day over and over again until he corrects those flaws. Seems to me that this past COVID year has been just that, at least for me! Today I woke up and was placed into a new path to move forward rather than continue reliving that pandemic shut down mindset any longer. My apologies for not creating new blogs to give to all of you during those moments of “groundhogness”!

As parents you were forced to create a virtual bubble around yourselves and your children, giving you extra time to evaluate and reevaluate your parenting styles. In it, you were all made to become educational consultants and teachers along with your own daily jobs. This made you stronger, more creative and enabled you to discover how much you appreciate and respect the time that your children are in person at school. I am sure that you discovered what you did and did not like about your child’s educational experience in a far more up close way than you had most likely wanted. Moving forward I hope that it gives you a little more insight into the workings of your child’s schooling and an extended appreciation for how much happens in creating that daily schedule.

Today’s blog is to remind all of us that all of the occurrences over this past year and a half have really created a disadvantage in the educational and emotional lives of our children. The emotional up and down that we have had over all that this pandemic has created trickles down in a way to our children that we sometimes forget to acknowledge. This comes out in unexpected ways for them; separation anxiety out of the blue, acting out in the classroom, tantrums over seemingly irrelevant happenings and reverting to younger behaviors that you thought they were completely past. All these behaviors revolve around children trying to create some control for themselves. The following is a wonderful way to try and let children influence their own situations without them trying to grab control in inappropriate ways.

​Giving Control Through Choices

When we are faced with a never ending list of the things that we cannot do or what we don’t like to do, sometimes we rebel even when the consequences are negative. It gives a sense of control. The technique below
gives your child that sense of control so they do not need to find it in a negative way.

• Only give two choices.
• Only give choices that fit your value system – make sure that you are happy with either of the two choices that you have given your child.
• Present the choices in a positive, loving manner.
• Give 99 % of your choices when things are going well – it is best to not give them choices when they are acting out as that makes it seem like the negative behaviors are negotiable.
• Give choices before your child becomes resistant – once that happens, they do not get the choice as you will make it for them out of the two that you have chosen.
• Use care not to disguise threats as choices – ex. “Do you want to go to your room or be grounded?”
• Choices about major events should not be included. Do not give your child choices that should be yours.
• Don’t be afraid to say, “I usually give choices, but not this time.”
• If your child does not choose within 10-15 seconds, choose for them – “Oh, I guess since you are not
  deciding you are choosing to do …”

Some examples of choices:

Will you be wearing a coat or carrying it?
Are you planning to come home at 10 or 10:30?
Do you want me to buckle you in your car seat or do it yourself?
Will you be brushing your top or bottom teeth first?
Do you want carrots or peas for your vegetable tonight?
Do you want to get your allowance on Fridays or Saturdays?
Are you going to turn your cell phone off or just ignore your friends texts until after dinner?
Do you want to wear the blue or red shirt today?

Find things in your everyday life that can be made into choices – the more you practice, the easier and more natural they become. Start with writing down a few choices that you can incorporate into your child’s week and utilize them. Have fun with it and see how powerful a little power with choices can be!

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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Hello Fabulous Parents,

So sorry that this edition of my blog has taken such a long time to get to you. I know that we are all feeling like we are currently in “The Truman Show” and someone outside the bubble is watching and finding great entertainment in how we are all handling this crazy time.

I have been thinking a lot about what I could possibly say to you that would help navigate parenting in social distancing times. It occurred to me that the possible upside to this is that life is far simpler – no rushing to leave the house for school, no shuffling to and from the many outside activities, parties, social events and play dates. This would make the demands on your children and their need to follow a multitude of time restrained requests far less and hopefully giving them far less to rebel against. It also is the absolute perfect time to put your Love and Logic techniques into play so that when life does ramp up again, they are solidly in place and flawless to execute!

Here is a review of the techniques that I have written about in past blogs. Have fun with them, enjoy your family time and please stay safe and healthy!!

Neutralizing Arguments

• Go “Go Brain Dead”
• Resist the urge to engage your child in a argument
• No lectures, no words other than your “One Liner” should be spoken
• Calmly repeat your Love and Logic One Liner
  • “I know”
  • “What did I say?”
  • “I love you too much to argue.”
  • Or whatever your one liner may be
• Have a conversation about what they were upset about when they are in a happy state.

Making the natural Consequence be the “Bad Guy”

• Come up with an empathetic statement
  • “This is so sad.”
  • “Oh man!”
  • “Shoot, I am so sorry.”
  • “Bummer.”
  • Or whatever your empathetic statement may be – make it natural to your personality
• The statement comes after the child has done something that warrants a consequence and comes immediately after the action and not be preceded by warnings or reminders. It must be said with complete empathy and love so that the child knows that you are not wanting them to be in trouble but the consequence must come because of what they chose to do.
• The statement is immediately followed by a natural consequence for the action that the child did. There are no earn backs, no getting out of the situation, just a follow through with the consequence. Example: If the child says “I promise I won’t do it again please can I earn my video game back?”, just follow it with “I know you won’t honey and you will definitely be so ready to play it tomorrow.” Be sure to stick to whatever consequence was set up – if you allow them to earn things back all the time, they will not believe that you need to be believed.

​Sharing Control Through Choices

• When your child is doing great, listening well and making great decisions provide them with 2 small choices peppered into their everyday activities. Examples:
  • Do you want to brush your bottom teeth or top teeth first?
  • Do you want blueberries or raspberries?
  • Do you want to make your bed before breakfast or after?
  • Do you want to buy those designer jeans yourself or have me pay for these ones?
  • Are you going to turn the TV off now or in 15 minutes? (Give the choice 15 minutes before you really want it off)
  • Are you going to take a shower or a bath?
  • Do you want your bedtime story on the couch or in your bed?
• All choices need to be ones that you are comfortable with
• Never give them something that you don’t really want because that is the one they will always pick. 🙂
• Never give choices when the child is resistant.
• If your child does not choose in 10 seconds, you choose for them.
• Giving choices provides the children with a sense of power over something and that is a huge cause of why they act out or are defiant, they want a sense of control.

Guiding Your Children to Solve Their Own Problems

Your child comes to you complaining that their sibling is …… (fill in the blank)

• Provide them with a strong and sincere dose of empathy – do this by leading with your empathetic statement or “Shoot, I hate it when someone does that to me too.” – this gives your child a voice and provide a validation to their feelings.
• Lovingly hand the problem back – “What do you think you want to do about it?”
• If they say “I don’t know”, say “Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?” Sometimes children say no to that and you just say, “Ok, let me know if you want some later – I know you will figure it out.” If they say yes, give them a few ideas about how you think it could be handled and after each idea say “Would that work out for you?” Keep giving some suggestions until you have either run out of ideas or they say “Yes” to an idea that would work. After they choose the idea, tell them “Great idea, let me know how it works out for you.”
• Check in the next day or later on and ask how it worked out

This is so powerful because not only does it help you to not be involved in micromanaging every situation for your child but it gives them a sense of power to be able to handle problems that may occur.

Thanks so much for reading – stay in touch, stay safe and healthy. Next blog will be some fun things to do while staying at home.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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Hello Wonderful People,

My blog this month is struck by the swirling feelings of dislike that we have amongst us. We are filled with the beginnings of the political onslaught that will build to a momentous peak right before the election. I am always amazed at how powerfully the negative messages stick in our minds, far overpowering anything that may be positive about any of the candidates. This theory also applies to our children. As humans, we believe, and frankly hold onto, the one negative comment that an important person in our life has said to us. I can still remember with vivid accuracy, albeit my mind may have embellished a wee bit, the one statement that an influential person said to me regarding my appearance. It has carried with me since I was 12 and creeps into my psyche every now and then toying with my self image.

Our children listen so incredibly well when we do not want them to, remembering in great detail the one thing that we wish they had not heard. We are definitely human and make mistakes of course, but wouldn’t it be great if we truly did have empathy for them, especially in the times when we find it almost impossible to even like them. This is why our practice and consistent use of our empathetic one-liner is so critical. If we are ready with it, we can go brain dead and deliver our one liner with true empathy – practice makes it part of our muscle memory and therefore autopilot takes over and we do not have to think.

My one-liner is “I know.” And I found it very, very useful over the years. In fact , I still use it with my children and they are adults now! I discovered that it gave me the ability to stay calm through trying times, give myself a chance to breath and think about the situation logically and gave my children nothing to work with. They were unable to use any of what I was saying against me and their will to fight was greatly dissipated. The secret to it all is making sure that you do not sound sarcastic in the slightest. Believe me, this takes practice!

Pick your one-liner:

• “I know”
• ”What did I say”
• ”I love you too much to argue” ”Thanks for sharing”

or whatever works for you – it must be the same statement all the time and be said with the greatest empathy. Delivered with no explanation on the situation, only meant as a means of taking yourself out of an un-winnable argument.

​Practice, practice, practice

• post sticky notes with your chosen statement all over your personal space
• practice until it seems natural and empathetic to you – ask someone’s opinion about how it comes across because a kind friend will always tell you the truth
• be gentle with yourself and know that we are all a work in progress and not always going to do it “by the books”

Remember the Love

The greatest love of all is that for our children. Remembering that using your practiced statement will give you great power when you are faced with a time where “liking your child” is a challenge.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!

This months blog comes from the shopping plazas of the world!!!

Everyone who knows me has come to realize that shopping is my least favorite thing to do in the world! Don’t get me wrong, I do love to buy gifts for others and find joy in cooking so find it necessary to make the trips to the grocery store. What I do not love, is the pawing through endless racks in the hopes that something will jump up and say “Take me home please!”. This time of year is especially trying in that department but it does provide me some bit of joy in the people watching department. I am always struck by how grumpy humans are this time of year, searching for that perfect gift that may or may not be appreciated. This may sound cynical but every year I hear the shouting, the shoving, and the yelling at clerks to hurry up! I find my Love and Logic calmness truly helps navigate these turbulent waters.

As for our children, they are making their lists, ramping up the excitement and pulling out all the arsenal in their powers to test us as parental beings. This time of year it is especially important for us to remember our empathetic statements and keep them ready.

A few examples are:

• “I know”
• “What a bummer”
• “Shoot, so sorry that happened”

Or whatever empathetic statement you have chosen to be yours. Just utilize it every time your child pulls the whine out for something that they did not get, does something disrespectful at Grandma’s house or just generally does not listen. Remember that if you have been using your statement all along, your child will know that a consequence will be following and settle down!!

If the timing does not warrant a consequence at that exact moment, every infraction need not be addressed, delaying the consequence is quite powerful and saves us embarrassment in front of family and friends at our celebratory events. Simply say your empathetic statement followed by “I am going to have to do something about that.” and walk away. Of course, the most powerful way to vocalize this statement is to whisper it in their ear. This prevents them for being called out in front of others and a quite kind word in their ear gives the consequence to come more impact! Crucially, we also need to remember to bring out that consequence at home, the next day or so.

An example would be:

Parent: Hey honey, will you please clear your dishes from the table. Child: NO!! I Don’t Want to!!!!

Parent: (whispering in his ear) “I know, I am going to have to do something about that attitude later” and then walks away.

Child: (stunned look of terror) takes plates to the kitchen

Child: (next day) Mom can you take me to Johnnie’s to play.

Parent: ” Shoot honey, I am so sorry but I am just exhausted from your rude behavior at Grandma’s yesterday, I just do not have the energy to drive.”

Child: “That’s not fair!!!!”

Parent: “I know. I am sure your will figure out a way to get my energy back for next time. If you can’t, let me know if you want some ideas of what will help.”

It is very powerful to delay lowering the boom and have children think that they got away with something only for them to find out that we do remember. The holidays need not be nasty like the shoppers in the stores.

Happy Holidays and may your time be filled with love, laughter and fun!

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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Have you ever had your child tell you “No” to something that you asked them to do? Have you ever been frustrated by what appears to be a disrespect on their part? Do you wish that they would listen the first time that you ask them to comply?

This month’s blog is inspired by such an overwhelming number of people around the world thinking that they know better. I have been struck by the media, the unstoppable political advertisements, and just a general aire of superiority that runs the human race. In our gain for some sort of control over our lives, we just want to be heard. The unfortunate side effect of all of this is our children. This captive audience is bombarded with words on how to dress, act, be, feel and anything else that we definitely know better about. In our quest to gain control and respect from our children, we are creating the opposite.

In order to gain control, we have to give it up. Our children are as much wanting to feel some control over their lives as we are. They need to feel that their thoughts and choices matter just like us. As adults, we have experienced so many things that we just want to give our children knowledge and have them learn through what we say rather than having to experience it themselves. We provide them with endless words about our wisdom, that quite frankly, fall short of being heard. I had a boss once who loved meetings, endless, pointless meetings. He wanted to be heard but forgot to make his point so we could listen. This is how children feel when we give them lecture after lecture when they have made a mistake or we feel they have something to learn from us.

So, to get to my point, less is truly more when it comes to having a child learn from making a mistake. The most effective way to deal with it is as follows:

• Rule broken by Child
• Dose of empathy from Parent – using your empathetic statement such as “Oh, I am so sorry.” , “Shoot” “Bummer”, “Dang, I really hate it when I make the wrong choice “, or whatever empathetic statement you have chosen to use.
• Natural Consequence

That’s it! It is the less is more version – no lecture to follow, no extra words. Let them learn from the consequence on what to do next. It truly is much more powerful. Think about how you learned best. I know for me it was from the hard knocks of life, not my parents words.

Next blog, we shall explore “Natural Consequences”

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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This past month I have come across several parents who wonder (and worry) about whether or not holding their child accountable would be mean. It made me remember a time a few years back.

I had a wonderful young man in my pre-school class who had a habit of forgetting his shoes when he came to school. Apparently, on several occasions, his mother had driven back home to retrieve them before they made it to the classroom. One morning she did not notice that his shoes were missing until they hit the school parking lot. When they got to class, she told me about the forgotten item and said that she was running back home to get them. We laughed a bit and I told her that I would allow her to go back this one time but if it happened again, I would not. She made it back with the shoes before playground time so all worked out for my young friend.

A few days later, my forgetful student once again came to school without his shoes and Mom had not noticed until he got out of the car in the parking lot. Mom remembered what I had said and brought him to the classroom but begged me to let her go back home to retrieve them. You see, that day was our annual Open House where current parents brought prospective ones on a tour in hopes that they would be impressed enough to enroll their child. As it turned out, my shoe less friend’s Mom was one of the Guides that day. After a few minutes of discussion on her part, she realized that I was sticking to my decision not to allow the shoes to be retrieved.

Our school was set up as an open-air campus in that all the classrooms, lunch room, gym and playground had to be reached by going outside and walking to the assigned areas. This is a difficult task with no shoes. Unfortunately, as a result, my sock wearing friend had quite a boring day. No P.E., no playground time, no music and he could not get his own lunch so was stuck eating what I chose from the lunch line for him. As luck would have it, his Mother was assigned to bring tour groups to our classroom. She explained that this was her child’s classroom and teacher, giving the parents a quick low down on the shoe issue and how truly happy she was that I was his teacher.

All the time that “Mr. no sneakers” was with me, I was very empathetic to his plight. When it came time to walk to Music class I said, “Shoot, I am so sorry that you can’t go.” And gave him a hug. The day was filled with times like that, as well as me asking him how he was feeling and what he thought he could do about it. After our discussion, he decided that he had a great spot near his garage door at home where he could put his shoes every day. I told him what a great idea that was and that I was very excited to find out how that worked for him. I ran into my friend’s Mom a few months ago. She told me that he was now a freshman in High School and that he still puts his shoes in the same chosen spot to this day. (On a side note, all of the touring families that came to see the classroom that day signed their children up for the following year.)

Was I being “mean” by sticking with this consequence of not allowing him to participate in his school activities because he was missing footwear? Some may think yes, but he did not. Not one time did he feel like I was angrily enforcing the rule – quite the opposite. The joy of Love and Logic is that consequences are always preceded and continued with a huge dose of love and empathy, letting the child know that they are not the “bad guy”. What needs to be addressed is the action.

The younger a child is, the smaller the consequence they will incur. Older children have bigger stakes that may provide them with harsher, more permanent ones. Isn’t it better for us to give the gift of learning to solve their own problems by holding them accountable for the actions they choose? I do not feel that giving a child a natural consequence for actions that they control is “mean”. Quite the opposite really, giving them this opportunity to learn is truly a gift of love.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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When I was driving down the street this week, I noticed a group of women waiting with their children. Much to my surprise , they were all holding champagne glasses. It was an unexpected sight since it was 7 in the morning. As I passed by, I looked in my rear view mirror and caught the glimpse of the reason for the celebration, the school bus was approaching! Their summer was filled with fun, frolicking, late nights, no schedules, lax rules and an endless stream of trying to find some way to occupy their children without losing their minds!! Now, Nirvana had arrived again, the school year has begun!!

Unfortunately, rules will have to be reinforced, times adhered to and the children (and adults) will get testy! This is where that empathetic “I know” has soooooo much power! Consider the following scenario:

Parent: Hey honey, it’s time to get up for school.

Child: No, I don’t want to go to school!

Parent: I know. (said with complete sincerity)

Child: I am not going. You are so mean!

Parent: I know. (again, said in a genuinely sincere way). Do you want to put your clothes on in the house or the car?

Child: No, you can’t make me.

Parent: Ok then, clothes on in the car. (grab clothes and take them to the car)

Child: I hate you!

Parent: I know sweetie, but I still love you.

Child: You don’t love me, if you did, you would never make me go!

Parent: Nice try honey. I will love you even if you go to school in your pajamas.

Child: Fine, but I am not going to be happy about it!

Parent: I know (as always, say everything with complete empathy).

There are a million ways that these confrontations can escalate, but when you as the parent reply with a sincere “I know” there is no fuel to add to their fire and it dissipates the arguing power. It also reminds you to take a step back and disengage any anger that you have for the situation – because truly, we all can relate to not always wanting to get out of bed!

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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I read a quote the other day that inspired this months blog:

“Life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it.”

Wow, talk about taking responsibility for your own actions. How many times have we seen or shown the opposite of that. As humans we are always looking for an alternative to the case at hand, a way to deflect from ourselves a sense of fault. This is perfectly natural, but terribly unproductive. Wouldn’t it be amazing if when we call to dispute a bill or ask about a reason for a transaction, that the person on the other end of the phone said, “Oh that is so frustrating when that happens, what do you think you would like to have me do about it?” instead of, “That is not my department, this must be your problem because it is definitely not mine!” I know from first hand experience that when the latter attitude is presented, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I am probably not the most patient of callers.

That being said, there truly are times in our lives when something happens that is definitely not our doing or in our control. The only thing that we can be completely in charge of is how we react to it and how we plan to deal with the situation. This is not always easy, nor is it always possible to control, especially when our brain stem thinking is engaged and our fight or flight sensibility has taken over. All we can do is our best to find mechanisms that work for us as reminders to take a calmer, overall look at the situation and take responsibility for how we react to it.

Now, how does this related to parenting? Quite simply, it is finding a go to statement that we use to force us to engage our frontal lobes and creating thinking rather than reacting in both ourselves and our children. I am always amazed at how much of my own parents come out in the way I act as I grow older, some of it great and some not so good. A true testament to the nurture side of learning. Children absolutely pay attention to all the things that we say and do, whether we think that at the time or not. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we modeled taking responsibility and holding ourselves accountable for our actions?

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says.

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The recent news about parents attempting to buy their children’s way into college has really made me start to think about what parenting truly is about. These parents love their children, want the absolute best for them and obviously would do anything for them. Yet I am dumbfounded at how glaringly opposite this gesture comes across. Unfortunately, we were given a very public display that they did not believe enough in their child’s abilities, and therefore the only option was to illegally buy a spot for them! Is it our job to provide everything at the expense of our children’s self-worth? Should we shelter them from the harsh realities of life so much that they become incapable of making mistakes? I truly hope not.

Parenting is one of the hardest roles to navigate. Those fine lines between being helpful and smothering can be fuzzy. Simply put, when we discount our children’s abilities to make their own small decisions when they are younger, we create a world for them where they are incapable of making larger ones later. Give them some power in the younger years so they don’t fall apart trying to regain it later, or worse yet never feel they even want to try.

Showing your children that you believe what they are capable and competent of is one of the greatest and most powerful gifts we can provide. I know that I have already blogged on the idea of providing choices but thought it needed another boost! Give them two choices as often as you can. Make both choices things that are acceptable to you and let them know that you think they chose well!

“Do you want to wear your blue shirt or red shirt?”
“Pajamas or teeth first?”
“Broccoli or spinach?”
“Should we leave now or in 5 minutes?” (of course say it 5 minutes before you want to leave)
“Do you want me to buckle you up or do you want to do it yourself?”

The combinations are endless once you put your mind to creating choices.

Only give choices when there are no issues. If they cannot decide within 10 seconds or if they come up with a choice that was not provided, you make the choice for them.

After they choose, give them a “good choice” acclamation.

Gift your child with the knowledge that you truly believe in their capabilities to make decisions!

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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I always wondered about the saying, “You get more flies with honey!” was all about. Why on earth would I want to attract more flies! I guess that comes with some quips from the past, they have a lot of power but are a wee bit awkward in their delivery.

In parenting, and in life in general, this particular quip is truly powerful. When we approach discipline with kindness rather than a sense of power, the effects are truly amazing. I found this out first hand when I was trying to make some progress with my son.

Some years ago, my son was giving me a run for my money in the parenting department. He was making some choices, displaying great rebellion and testing every bit of patience that I had. I was being told that I was too soft, needing to get a heavier hand in my discipline, so I tried to give that approach my best shot. As you can imagine, things got worse. What was I thinking! Being “tough” only escalated the arguing, anger and gave him so much more fuel to blame me for his choices, plus it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Drum roll please, that is when I discovered Love and Logic! In my desperation to find a way to balance holding him accountable for his actions while still preserving my sanity and feeling of self worth, I went to a day long conference here in Phoenix. It truly changed my life! I had a way to approach my son with kindness but still hold him fully accountable for his actions. I stuck to it, practiced my delivery, and knew I had found a winner when in the heat of one of my son’s discussions he yelled, “What is wrong with you??? I can’t make you mad anymore!”

Powerful, satisfying words! I wish I could say that my new interactions made him make better life choices, but it made me realize that we cannot control what others do, we can only control our reaction to it. I was able to preserve my love for my son by giving him boundaries in a loving way. That’s it, the whole premise of the Love and Logic approach to parenting – lead with love, create boundaries and give the problem back to the child to solve.

This months focus is on empathy. It is truly the secret to allowing the choice or the behavior be the bad guy! When we provide a dose of empathy before, during and after any situation, it is impossible for blame to be placed anywhere but on the behavior! Empathy is not always easy to come up with in the heat of the moment, as I fully can relate to, but providing yourself with a breath before speaking, sticky notes as reminders of your empathetic statement, and repetition and practice make it easier and easier to be a part of everyday life. The most important part to remember is that we are all human and will sometimes blow instead of leading with Love and that is OK! Giving yourself this gift of using empathy really does follow that quip, “You attract more flies with honey.” It also makes holding your child accountable a whole lot easier because that feeling of guilt we get when we have lost our cool is eliminated and all that remains is the behavior or choice for them to deal with.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

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