Happy New Year to all!

This time of year always brings such joy and commitment to making things new and adopting change in things that we feel need improvement! (I know, I know, at least that is what I always tell myself this time of year!)

In thinking about what to write in my blog this month, I was struck by events in my childhood that truly shaped how I approach new and challenging situations in my life. In our family, my Dad was what I will call a “fixer”. Anytime we needed discipline we heard, “Wait till your father gets home!”. Whenever we got into trouble with others, my Dad would always swoop in and “fix” it for us. This of course was followed by the ever lengthy lecture about how we needed to improve and shouldn’t we remember how this will look on our family, etc, etc. In actual fact, I think that I probably tuned him out after the first two minutes. These fixes carried on well into our adulthood.

The event that changed all of this for me was when I was in my senior year of high school. My sister and brother were both away at school leaving me to be the only sibling at home. My father and mother were embroiled in a political campaign, touring and shaking hands across the province in Canada that we were living in. Since I was still in school, this meant I would be living at the house by myself for days, sometimes weeks at a time. Please do not be shocked or have any sort of pity for me as I truly think that this is why I am able to tackle any issue that comes my way with a sense of confidence in the knowledge that I am capable! This experience truly gave me the “Gift of Problem Solving”.

My gift was done by accident but it gave me so much more confidence and strength in myself that has carried with me all through my life. The hardest things for us as parents is to watch our children fail, but it truly is the best gift that we can give them. I am not saying leave your children to fend for themselves, but give them a chance to work out their small problems when they are younger, don’t rescue them from the little heartaches.

When your child has an issue that needs work to get through it, such as a problem with a friend,

1. Provide them with a strong and sincere dose of empathy – “Oh, that makes me so sad when that happens to me too.”
2. Lovingly hand the problem back to them – “What do you think you want to do about it?”
3. Get permission to share ideas – (if they don’t come up with some by themselves) Would you like me to give you some ideas of what other kids have tried?)
4. Give a brief list of some choices and ask them to evaluate – “Do you think any of those might work?”
5. Give them support in the choice that they make (no matter what it is – do not give your opinion on how you think it will work) – “Awesome honey, let me know how it works out for you?”
6. Check back in to see how things went – if not positive, restart the steps again, if it turned out well, then give them a high five and let them know you believed that they could do it.

Of course, if the problem is too big for them to solve on their own or too dangerous, then you step in to help out. Otherwise, give them the gift of solving those problems on their own. It truly is a powerful self-esteem builder to know that they can handle things and gives confidence in tackling problems in the future.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos

Happy Holidays to All!

What a glorious time of year this is, family, food, friends, more food! All of this togetherness also brings a lack of schedule, lots of sugar and a wee bit of indulgence for the children in our lives. That is why the blog this month is about giving less!

When it is time to make a request of your child that you would like them to follow and they push back, simply deliver a one liner response to whatever challenge that they give you. Be sure that your one liner is filled with compassion and sincerity, never sarcasm. This provides them with no fuel to their fire and no where to go with the argument. It also gives you no choice but to stay calm. Examples of one liners are:

I love you too much to argue.
I know.
What did I say?
Thanks for sharing.

and when their comeback is particularly outrageous, you could add “Nice try but what did I say?” to the mix.

It is truly best to practice your one liner and make sure the delivery feels natural to you and can be said with the utmost sincerity and love. Our ability to stay calm and not react the way they hope to push us too, is what diffuses the disagreement.

Thus the reason, less is truly more in this situation. The less we give them in terms of verbiage, the less they have to work with when trying to get us to back down on the request.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

I know in the last blog I said that I was going to discuss how to put an end to arguing but with the holidays, I thought it would be better to talk about delayed consequences.

During the holidays, when family and friends are all around, do you find that your children just push that behavior envelope a little wider? For me, it was those times that made it almost impossible to put that parenting cap on tight and stick to my guns. I was always worried about how things might look or what others would think of me if my child started acting up so I would let things fall “unnoticed” and really give them a “good talking to” when the company had all left. This would usually create an argument that left me feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. If you can relate, please know that we are not alone and it is possible to maintain our composure and not let our children “run wild”!

As parents, we feel like every moment needs to be a teaching one and that it needs to be handled immediately. In fact, sometimes delaying a consequence has quite a bit more impact. Delaying allows us to have more time to really create a logical consequence for the situation. It gives us a chance to do it without emotion and anger, and it gives the child a chance to wonder about what might be coming at them.

If your child does something that is not within your family’s guidelines, try saying “Oh no, this is so sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.” Then when the company is gone and you have figured out the consequence that fits the action, go back to them and say, “I figured out what I need to do about … and I am so sorry but you will …” Then add, “I know you will figure out a way that this won’t happen again.” All of this is done with a big dose of empathy, that you truly are sorry that this had to happen, and no anger or emotion.

Honestly, life has been so much happier and the holidays even more enjoyable since I started using these techniques.

Happy Holidays, I hope that you all have an amazing time with your families. As always, thanks for reading.

Next month we will delve into how to neutralize arguing.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos

Welcome and thanks for signing up for my blog, “What would Ms. Marinos say?”. It truly does take a village to navigate this parenting gig! My hope is that you all find some fun and calmer piece of mind while reading these blogs, and strength in the knowledge that we are all fabulous parents!

This month I picked the topic “How to get your child to listen the first time!” to share with you.

I don’t know about you, but I find it fascinating how quickly children tune us out…

• waiting for the last second before complying to our request
• exhausting the countdown 1, 2, 2 ½, 3…
• seemingly unable to hear our voice until it reaches just the perfect pitch and volume
• or, simply not moving until we give them the ultimate threat, “I mean it!”

All of these scenarios are incredibly frustrating as a parent and confusing for us. We cannot fathom why our children won’t just listen the first time!

Well, luckily, I have a super simple solution…Just don’t give them a second time!

I know, I know… easier said than done! It truly is the most basic of concepts but in execution, tougher to carry out effectively.

When your child does not comply, here is what to do:

Quite simply, whenever a child does not listen to a request, first give them a dose of empathy – a mantra if you will – “Oh shoot”, “What a bummer”, “Ooooh, so sorry”, or whatever feels natural to you as a way to show that you care about them. Please be sure that this mantra can be said with true sincerity and empathy. Then, follow it up with an immediate consequence – one that naturally fits with the situation at hand. No warnings, no second chances, and no earn backs!

Example, you ask your child to stop using their tech device and come to dinner – either in a certain time frame or right away – they do not comply with that request in the time given, you say your mantra and then take the device away, immediately. No regrets, no discussion, just action accompanied and proceeded by sincere empathy.

Thanks for reading. Next week I will discuss “How to put an end to arguing!”.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says!

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos

I have been working in the Educational field for 30 plus years. It has been my passion and a love for all of those years. My experience has been quite varied, and it gave me a good perspective on issues that would come up in the classroom and at home. Believe me, it is far easier as a teacher than a parent to provide on-the-spot ideas that can be implemented in tough situations. I hope that this monthly blog can give you some simple, easy techniques that give you peace of mind and help you in to raise happy, responsible, and respectful children.

A few weeks ago, I ran into a former parent of mine whose son is now a senior in high school. After our excited greetings in seeing each other, he laughed and said that his son had not made good choices at school the week before. When his son had finished providing his father with the behaviors that put him in “hot water” at school, his Dad looked him squarely in the eye and said, “What would Ms. Marinos say?” Apparently, that was enough for his son to reconsider his actions and come up with a new, more positive plan of attack! Thus, the reason I decided to start this blog. If anything can help make a child re-think and create new plans for positive behaviors, I am all for it!

This month’s topic: How do I get my child to be more respectful?

“Freeze Frame”

This is a question that I get very frequently – “How do I get my child to be more respectful. A lack of respect by children tends to carry over into their relationships as adults. How do you get children (people) to be more respectful? Quite simply, don’t do anything for them until they are!

Far easier said than done, as I know only too well. I think as parents or caregivers, we tend to get ourselves into a difficult rut by accepting from others an attitude that is less than our idea of respect. Parental guilt is a very powerful tool and our children are amazing at using that tool quite early in life. So often we accept behaviors over and over until we finally cannot take it anymore, lashing out in disbelief that after all the things that we have done for our children, they do not show us respect! This lashing out creates that guilt in us, and we are in a cycle that seems to have no end. This month’s technique is one that I have used on many different occasions and on different aged children.

Technique for retraining respectful behaviors early on in children (and later on as well):

Whenever you are asked to do something and your child has not used a “please” or “thank you” or has that not-so-pleasant attitude attached to their request, simply freeze your body and do nothing! This tends to create some confusion in the child, making them repeat the request without the proper manners. If it is in the beginning stages of using the technique, merely say “I do things for people when I hear respectful words.” Sometimes the request will then be followed by an oh-so-attitude-filled “pleeeeease”! Again, freeze and say, “I do things for people who are truly using respectful manners.” This can go on until you feel that the way they are making the request is acceptable to you. As time goes on and the child becomes familiar with this technique, the freezing makes them realize that their attitude is not acceptable or that they have not asked in a proper way.

This technique is never presented with sarcasm, always done in a calm way and preceded and followed by loving smiles and reactions. It should also never be accompanied by lengthy conversations about respect and how much we do for them. What you want to incite in the child is the taking of responsibility for the behavior and finding a way to change it his or herself. After a while, it becomes something that the child laughs about with you.

Have fun and please let me know how it works for you. Thanks for reading. Next month we will discuss “How to get a child to listen the first time”.

And that’s what Ms. Marinos says…

To receive posts like this in your email, sign up for my newsletter here: https://tinyletter.com/paulamarinos